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It is the second of ten days on the Pilgrims path to Maastricht. I am walking alone, no fellow travellers this day. I know the beginning of this path very well, there are special and loving memories here. The landscape is varied with forests, sand, moors and lots of water. The clouds on either side of me are also filled with water. It wants to rain but on my path the sun is still shining. When it does reach out to me, they are small drops that are caught by the new foliage on the trees. Mosquitos are already swarming over the still water of the moors. This region is much wetter then I thought I knew.

 

My leg muscles are a bit sour today. When I got home yesterday from an exacting visit to my parents I had a couple too many drinks with some friends at the monastery. Mum feels very insecure after she has been diagnosed with blood cancer, not unexpected, some of her brothers had it as well. But still. At her age there isn’t much they can do about it and it is not what she wants also. It is a slow process at her age, the doctors say. Dad wants to get away from the nursing home this evening, he wants to go home, or anywhere, but he wants out. He is so angry. Loss of decorum is the word for it, I hear. But it says nothing about the tarnished, scared, shouting and impotent man that he is tonight. You, my own family locks me up in this place, he screams. He wants out, by any means possible, he fights, hand and foot. What is worse though, I recognize it and I can’t look at it lovingly, I shut down. I also want out of there. The loss of decorum is twofold. Where do you find comfort for that?

In the last couple of weeks I have discovered this little light inside of me. A very small light in an almost immeasurable space, but a focal point nonetheless. I cherish that little light and realise that it was always there. A while ago it was a huge, ardent fire, I know, but things can get so big that you don’t tecognize them for what they really are anymore. At this very moment it looks more like a pilot light, but that even makes it more visible. I know there is other light beside mine. That’s comfort. That’s good enough, for now.

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