In the afternoon the suns slowly disappears in the lowering clouds. It gets chilly and a bit darker. The forest floor is strewn with fallen leaves, the same colour as the trees surrounding me. Sometimes it feels like there is no up or below, only my feet that intermittendly touch the ground tell me that there is a path. Now that I can’t see the sun anymore I easily get lost in the forest. All of a sudden I realise that I am back at the same point where I was an hour ago. I have walked in a circle, even with the red/white markings to guide me. Later, the autumn light turns to a milky grey covering the fields and the forest. Everything becomes one-dimensional. It brings me back to my walk through the vastness of Germany, three years ago. It was a deeply unhappy time. On rainy and even on cloudy days I felt the loneliness and sadness pulling me almost irresistably toward a desperate and dreadful void. I needed every ray of sunshine to distinguish my path. Lots and lots of sunshine and a big dose of willpower helped me get to Passau that year. Some days you really need the sun and your ego to go further than just walking, even if it’s a lonely journey..
The morning starts with a hazy sun over the heather at Hoorneboeg, the moors south of Hilversum where I start my walk towards Amersfoort, some 30 kilometres. Colours fade in this light, they become soft and diffuse. So different from the bright sun that lights everything up, that marks and distinguishes the colours. Today they mingle, interact. Today I feel the colours rather than seeing them. It makes me think of the how we often use the logic of words to differentiate. The flowing of the colours lets me feel and shows me how we may also use words to connect to a place where everything comes together in softness and oneness. No more ‘you or I’, no more ‘this or that’, but a place where that distinction is no longer needed, no longer exists. It is slow language, I notice when I try to use it. We are so used to use words for protection, for attacking, for differentiating; afraid as we are of loosing ourselves. Words that connect, that takes searching, explaining, hesitating. Looking for my vulnerability again and again because the connection can be so naked and I stumble into my protections so easily. Slowly I am learning it; the soft language, the nakedness and the vulnerability. Also in my masters study, where I am allowed to reflect softly and read a lot about inclusive language and servant leadership. I still get this feeling that sometimes it is being used as a method, an instrument. Words like ‘excelllent’ and ‘outstanding’e are used a lot and that makes it sound distinguishing to me. (There may be a slight allergy towards authority and pride here on my side ;). A law in constellation work tells us that everybody has their place, everybody is unique and nobody is special. When there is a place for everybodey, for you and for me, then there is no need for distinguishing, then everybody is ‘excellent’. Servant leadership takes place where the connecting is, where softness and oneness are allowed.
The grey and the diffuse, the loneliness and the connection lie close together today.